July 2010

A few days before being alone for a month. 

This state of satisfaction or some degree of contentment is always elusive. It seems as though some kind of disappointment needs to happen for the state to recur, or some kind of acknowledgement for something unattainable. And I think this usually the comes self-doubt, or the idea that you'll never attain that specific thing, which makes you feel sad. And then you surprisingly attain something completely unrelated which distracts you from your upset moment. And then you try to hold on to that satisfaction for as long as possible, maybe by thinking things like "why haven't I been doing this all the time?" or "I'm finally learning more about the things that make me happy" and once those ideas settle down in your brain, they can quickly be forgotten or at least become a former thought because the next time you do that thing that satisfied you, it's not the exact same and feels different. And different could be interpreted as not as great. And not as great makes you feel lost, like you haven't learned about yourself through all of this. But then comes the recurring positive, which only becomes an epiphany if you choose to see it. And if you consider the moments as a sequence, maybe all of them were important, equally. Or maybe seeing it that way just feels better. 

2010, WisconsinMatt Austin