photosite.jpg

Writing

Late June 2009

Waking up in Ireland.

The bus ride into Galway has dug up memories that feel like childhood ones, though they happened only five months ago. I was alive then, and I feel as though I've been dead for those five months. The airport security at O'Hare and the landing seemed to lack excitement, fogged by the mental overabundance of deadlines, guidelines, and hopeful nervousness for validation. I felt like I had expectations on the way here, as if I was so experienced that I would have recognized everything around me and deserved some type of recognition for that. But what I've realized on this bumpy ride to Galway is that I've allowed myself to feel less, through the filter of that ignorant mentality. I've allowed myself to lie to myself in order to feel less pain and uncertainty. I let myself convince myself that I know something that others don't, and this bus ride has reminded me that I don't know much and that I should embrace that. My chest has just experienced a speed of excited beats that hasn't been felt in five months. I am looking forward to the resurrection of the way my life should be lived: confidently not knowing.  

 

2009, IrelandMatt Austin